She asked me the question that made me perk up in my chair and grateful that someone is finally asking me this question.  It is something that triggers me, gets me emotional and it’s not my best moment.

Last week, I was interviewed for an upcoming event called MidLife Women Series regarding caregiving, stress, burnout and ways to work through it.   The format was facilitated by Sheree Clark, Midlife Courage Coach.    Wanna know what the question is?  

What advice do you have for a friend of a caregiver?   

Simple question but I have tons of baggage with that question.  what about you?  

In the episode, I want to unpack:  

• The triggers and why 
• Friendships when you are now a caregiver
• How you can work through their comments, actions or lack of action or concerns

It was a Saturday morning and I was doing the grocery shopping for my Mom.   Mom was not feeling good and I wanted to get her some fresh food so I could go over and make her some soup and get her to eat.   I was on a mission winding down each aisle of the grocery store when I saw a friend.   She said… Cathy!  I waved to her and once done with the aisle, I stopped by and said a quick hi.    She said,  How are your Mom and Denis?  Hope they are doing well.

That day I was not in a good mood since I was trying to juggle everything.  Mom wasn’t feeling well, I had a busy week, Denis was still not feeling himself.   You get the picture.  

Her question got to me more that day than normal days.

Guess how I responded….  I am not ok.      You should have seen my friend's face.  She didn’t say anything.     I said,  I can barely get a breathe lately.     

I immediately apologized realizing I snapped but truth is that’s how I feel over and over again when family and friends ask about my loved one.    I know they mean well and I appreciate their concern but…  my biggest advice to a caregiver friend is to say things like

• Hi, I’ve been thinking about you.  How are you doing?  Really doing?
• Can I stop by and bring you a meal this week - I know there may be diet restriction so tell me what works best.  I want to give you a break.
• Is there anything I can do to help?
• Can I bring over your favorite coffee?  I have off on Friday.
• Can I text you or Facetime you?   

As caregivers, we are providing this beautiful gift of care to our loved ones.  We make significant sacrifices.  We are pushed to unbelievable limits that not everyone understands.  Our bodies experience huge emotional and physical stress that we are constantly trying to figure out how to reduce.   Arguably we lose our identity and self.   Others see us as that saint, angel and special person.  Behind the scenes, we are lonely, feeling unappreciated and sad.  

Sometimes our friendships fade.  No one connects with us because they feel we are busy.   We may have to decline events because of the caregiver priority.  Other times we decline because we are exhausted or just don’t want to go out because of guilt,   

I think you get it.  I wanted to say this because our lives are real.  It’s our reality and normal.  

So friends many stay away or are afraid to connect because they don’t know what to say or how to help.     Or friends may not ask you to coffee or a movie thinking you are going to say no.  

That’s why I want to talk about what we can control and what we need to do with those friends.   They want to help but just don’t know how.  

And…  a simple text may be nice sometimes but in my opinion, it’s not enough

First, you can’t sit and wait for a friend to connect.  And then say, no one wants to help or you have no friends.  

If you want to salvage and keep that relationship with your bestie, take that first step and connect with them  

• Be honest
• Be realistic
• Get creative right now
• Ask yourself what you need from your friend and if the shoes were reversed, would you do the same thing.  

Now, I lost friends too.   Our lives shifted.  I couldn’t go to the gym anymore.    I couldn’t go into the office anymore.   And to be honest that’s ok.  

But the beauty of this situation, I gained new friends too.  

• My accountability group - sent a meal, chat each Thursday and had a FB messenger thread
• Caregiver Circle - FB Groups are great.  We connected each week and found a couple good friends that I’m on Voxer with.  We’ve never met in person but will someday.  

The last part of today’s episode, I want to give you some ideas that will spark some ideas since as caregivers, we need social interaction and we may fear we are losing friends.   

• Simple chats with the ppl you see often - grocery cashier, pharmacist, receptionist, etc.  
• Maintain a hobby or start a new one.  
• Have a craft night
• Go to a class
• Connect on FB
• Volunteer
• Join a walking group
• Ask your friend to sit on the patio with you
• Join a book club

For most of us involved with intense caregiving, it’s not likely that we can maintain an active social life. Caregiving is a time in our lives when we must concentrate on the well-being of others. However, for our own well-being, we should at least do the bare minimum to maintain our outside friendships. The day will come when caregiving ends, and we will need our friends more than ever to help us acclimate to our new normal. If we take an interest in what our friends are doing and work to find common ground, then they are more likely to reciprocate, help us through this challenging stage, and still be around when our caregiving days are over.

Thank you for listening.  If you know of another caregiver who could benefit from this podcast, please share this episode. 

 Support the show