Welcome to another episode of The Caregiver Cup podcast.   I’m absolutely thrilled to  share an interview with you with a beautiful lady who has this amazing heart and soul.   I met Kelly just this year in a business course we both are in.  She has over 20 years experience working with influential business leaders and organisations around the world.   Kelly Carthy is passionate about facilitating and empowering change. By delivering key strategies that support leaders to be more present and discerning so they can drive effective outcomes with less clutter and confusion.

In our conversation together, she shared her powerful story of where things were falling apart. It was so bad that she was losing her hair, anxiety and panic attacks and she was in denial.  You will hear how it took years to recover - but she did.  Kelly shares so many good tips and powerful statements that I listened to this several times to capture it all.  

Kelly is an international self-leadership strategist, keynote speaker, mindset coach and published writer, Kelly’s ability to transition you from the ‘doing’ to the ‘being’ to live purposeful, present and successful life is at her core. 

Through highly personalized mentoring and coaching programs you’re empowered to unearth hidden clues, insights to create easy to implement strategies to balance your day-to-day through self-leadership and a whole new way of being. I believe self-leadership is about taking ownership of our lives and understanding the importance of undoing a busy life in order to create a space for being well, managing responsibilities and commitments without falling victim to burnout, guilt and judgement in the process.

Thank you. Thank you for having me.  I am, yeah, all the way from Noosa, Australia, which is just, north of Brisbane in Queensland, essentially paradise. I live here with my beautiful husband and two sons who are three and eight. My work is really in shifting business impact driven business owners from a place of overdrive and overwhelm into a place of effortless flow from really recognizing what that uniqueness or that unique gift is within them.

And, relates to the context of caregiving, because a lot of the people that I work with have at some stage been in that caregiving role, whether it is being a parent, whether it is caring for a sick loved one, a parent.  They have the drive with what they do purely because they deeply care about the world around them and about the people within it.

So they have that essence and sometimes that kit, um, takes over their ability to look after their own needs and care for themselves. So that's what I bring them back to. 

We lose our instinct in the process and we become so involved in looking out for and after others, that we prioritize that over the things that are really important for us to look after ourselves. And in my experience, personally and professionally, what often happens is that the give and receive is tipped in the way of giving.

We're not really great at receiving. We lack receiving our own gifts. We lack receiving in leadership within our lives. When that balance tips, and we're constantly in that giving space, we become me and it's an underlying piece. We feel like there's never enough time.

When is it my turn, but then we feel guilty because we should be giving, giving, giving, giving, because we've got this feeling. They don't have to be selfish to be able to give to ourselves. And what essentially happens is that who we're being our identity shifts into the person that we don't want to be, which is resentful, which is reactive.

You know, unstable and we become, we begin to deteriorate ourselves. And whether that is within our own emotional mental state.  Whether that is in our physical health, like we get a physical ailment as a result.  I see a lot of it starting to come out and it's like, it's your body trying to tell you.

There is a priority and looking after yourself and unless we shift that mode, we can (one) lose ourselves completely and another person and another person's story and contribute to their illness. Two, we in that resentment, in that reactivity, in that over-giving, we don't become a nice person to be around.

So we're not actually supporting them in any way. And three, we actually become really unwell. And that's where I found myself. I had my hair falling out. I had anxiety, I had panic attacks. I had so many horrific things going on that I was completely in denial because my focus was not on what it, where it needed to be.  In order for me to be a more balanced person.  Those physical elements as well. So when you would had that happen to you losing your hair, panic attacks. It's almost like it's a gift in a way.

It was definitely a moment in time. It was a moment in time when everything was coming at me. I mean, everything, I had a small child, I had a partner who was unwell and really desperately needed the support to get through that. I had business challenges.  

I'd taken on advice- good advice and I'd got myself into, basically a complete breakdown state. I had this moment where I was lying on my bed and I was looking at my child and just this recognition of, I can't do it. I can't do this anymore. Like, I'm done, I'm back completely broken, but I need to find a way, like there has to be a way through this and the way through that.  I was looking after the one thing that I do have control over, and that was my myself. I have to find a way or there is a way. There's always a way there's always another way.

I've said that countless times through this pandemic, through this last few years where I've seen a symptom of my business clients pivot themselves, like three times in the span of 48 hours.   There was always another way. And the thing is that there is always another way through, but we have to be willing to meet reality.

I think is the hardest part and main reality, that I I'm actually not taking care of myself. Maybe even reality was I'm actually not in a situation that I choose to be in me meeting reality was I actually had the power to change. And when you are at a breaking point where you feel so.  Well, you feel like the power has been completely taken out of you and you're so overwhelmed with responsibility that it is such a weight that you can't  even understand. There is only one way is to dive deep into gratitude.   I was looking after the one thing that I do have control over, and that was my myself. I have to find a way or there is a way. There's always a way there's always another way.

What would it look like if life was easy, what would it look like if everything shifted and it's looking at it from that imaginary space I can begin to create what is that ideal and rather than shifting and manipulating the world around us. Beginning to understand what are the changes that I get to make to match and align to that vision.

The first steps, particularly when you have that immense weight on you, when you actually feel like you're suffocating and there's no, there's no time or space for you, is the it's something I constantly say to my clients is what is the smallest tiniest shift you can make that it's going to create.

Yeah, because I can guarantee that that micro shift will create another micro shift and what we focus on glories and sorry, focused on those tiny changes. And it doesn't actually matter how microscopic they are, because if you could do that consistently over time, everything begins twice. 

We're not very good at receiving feedback, support, help, anything. And we've got that “I’'ve got this approach”. We need to begin to understanding  what does support feel like for me. Looking at those micro shifts, that first part of support can actually look like, how do I hold myself through this?

The reality is -  you actually chose it.  That's hard. It's very hard because there's a part of you that doesn’t want to. You want to stay positive.  You want to give.  it came to a point where someone had to say, you are enabling the situation. You're actually making it worse. And that's not good medicine to take and it doesn’t feel good, I have choice and I'm actually not helping and making the situation stay the same and repeat in the same cycle and the same loop over and over again.  And if the only thing that I actually really do have control over is my reactions, my responses. Then what are the shifts that I get to make that will probably be uncomfortable for all parties involved? Or I take that step back and I actually allow space for me to get some support for me to break to me, to then become a person who can. And the support squad that is actually required in the situation is actually going to enable wellness. 

It gives us some hope, some, some sunshine. When you finally do take those steps and what it felt like and where you were able to see that it was working for you. So I, I tend to be a deep diver. I dove straight into it. I was, when the moment I had that realization I dove straight into. Okay, how do I change and fix things? However, what I started to develop was that ability to really almost face off with myself, all of the parts of me that were not in alignment with who I chose to be. And the other part was creating a bigger vision for the future, much bigger vision. And who do I have to be to step into that?

It was a long journey I've had, it was 10 years ago.  But I'll give you the contrast in that there was a point in time when I completely took responsibility for this. I wasn't comfortable in leaving for longer than like even half an hour. I would leave and I would get the messages of needing the support and me feeding into that only sped into that pattern that happened.

I now fly overseas, like. My husband is like the best I've ever met in my life. He’s the best dad. He has fought his own battles to get to this space and we're not at the end, there's a road to go.  It is a long journey, but the more you pull into your own wellbeing, your own gifts, your goals, you're earning, you know, your own life. The more space you are in to help someone else to shine on is  so key.  Someone who is caring for someone may not be around forever, right? If your whole purpose and your whole life is revolving around them, the loss that you've experienced in your life will be so much greater because not only have you lost that, that person you've lost, you lost your identity, but you didn't lose it in that moment.  You get to be the inspiration for them to what life is about. And if you're not leaving. Then you're not providing life force in that situation. Cause you're not going to be any good after the situation. 

If you don't start now in that revisioning process of what it looks like for you when you're actually ready. The words that come to mind and that's kind of a negative word, but regret, you know, once it's all done, once the caregiving journey is all done. Are you going to be proud of the person that you were during that time?  Or are you going to regret some of the things that you didn't do for yourself? It's a lot harder when it's all done to go ahead and try to grieve and reimagine and rekindle yourself again.. And you know, this, there's definitely a balance.  And it's also being gentle with the yourself. Look after yourself and you don't put yourself first, when you do get caught up in that. And you also have to be okay with lself compassion is one of the things that we lack the most. And it will be that, you know, that comment that will come from someone, oh, you should really take care of yourself in that week.

You know, you having the week where you're just fully stretched from, from every angle. I remember going to get a massage and  I got a lecture from the massage therapist about taking care of myself.

Q:   If you had advice for a caregiver right now, who's feeling stuck, feeling like they can't, they can't go on and. What would your main advice be for them right now? They're there. They're stuck.

They're overwhelmed. Yeah. If they're stuck and they're overwhelmed, I would absolutely take an approach that I take myself and I take with every single client who's in that stuck space. It's what I call the Slingshot method. Oh, if you can physically do this even better, but you slow down, you take the space, you step back and you lift yourself up above your.

And as if you can physically do this, if you can find somewhere locally where you can be up above where you can have a view that is going to give your head physical space, that's even more helpful. But you lift yourself up and you identify what are your needs. What are the needs that are not being met right now.

And when you look at that, Really taking that bird's eye view. And I have a process that I do with clients where I actually get them to make themselves about their life. And I do this even when I have crazy children calling out to me, um, and I need that space. You know, this is probably a beautifully timed example where I have a, three-year-old calling me and I'm going to call, um, you know, we have life happening to us.

So even if you're in a situation where you actually can't. Basically escape. You have this ability, whether you're in a waiting room, like a doctor's waiting room, or whether you're, you know, by your, your partner's side or your parents eye, you can really lift yourself up within your mind's eye and just experience that ability to be above your life.

Really look at it, right? Because when we can look how we can identify, what is it that we get to do differently? Know what is, what is the overwhelm being caused by? What is it that is creating all of the acts? And a lot of the time the answer will be will everything. Yes. And what is the, what is the one thing?

The one thing that if I shift that everything will shift around. Right. You know, and that's the, you know, really identifying what what's the next. And what's that next step, that next step that is going to take me out of that overwhelm feeling and move me into a place of aligned action. Move me into a place of calm.

And in this situation, in this context, how do I meet my own needs? And, maybe that is, is balling your eyes out in a park, like maybe that is actually allowing all of the emotion that you're pushing down to release and be expressed. Absolutely. Right. And so if you can identify that and that next step.

And then the gratitude piece comes back in is can you be in gratitude for the result of that happening? You know, not for when it all is better, but the result of that one second. Yeah, that next step. And if you can sit in that gratitude and then come back into this moment, like gratitude, gratitude for my awareness, my awareness that something's not right.

When I started, you know, overwhelmed that there's a message being sent through me that it's not okay right now. And if we can connect with a deep gratitude for something that's right here, maybe something that's happened to do today, it doesn't matter how small or big, but if you can connect to something that's tangible in this present time and you can connect with the result.

What, how easy that next step becomes. Yeah. And I find it really helpful to Kelly is doing that several times. If you're still feeling stuck, stuck, do it again. Do it again. Um, I'm definitely into the journaling or the thought work to go ahead and get to where you are at. Oh my gosh. This has been so insightful.

You can't tell me for me personally, but I know there's listeners out there. Are continuing to say, I'm stuck. I can't do this anymore. I just want everything to go away. And when we can go head and really focus in on ourselves and really come to that realization that things have to shift. I have to first be able to look at it and I love your Slingshot method.

I think that that will help them as a little tidbit. We're kidding the, to kind of, and today, where can people follow you? Where can people look at you and follow you and take some more of your knowledge? And I know. Australia and most of my clients are in the United States, but I think that there are people who my clients are in the United States.

Go to kellycarthy.com  I run a program which is really around tapping back into that wisdom, that voice, that ability to navigate. Past the self and possible lives of blocks that we seem to put in front of us.  I'm also on Instagram and Facebook is probably my most like frequented spaces, social, social ways. I do have a group, the Embodied Leader, which is a free to access space, which I will drop in and do, meditations from beautiful spaces around myself every now and then.