Hello and Welcome to The Caregiver Cup Podcast.  Today I want to have a conversation about how do I show up feeling joyful, happy, and energized.  Many of you may be saying ok.  This same question has been asked of me personally many times and this is something my clients ask and focus in on too.  If you and I are to show up as a good caregiver you have to feel more ok.  You have to figure out how to show up with spark, joy and energized. Deep inside you need to be rested, energized and step up to this beautiful gift you are giving to your loved one.  If you are not showing up that way, you have to ask yourself why.  

You deserve to feel good about yourself and the care you are giving to your loved one - you deserve to feel energized as a caregiver.   You can have outside interests and work that all together in a package that works for you.  

Today, we’re going to talk about how do you currently show up and if that doesn’t feel good, then how do you shift it.  If you show up feeling good about your caregiver role, are you also showing up that way for yourself?  

What we do around here is giving you a reminder to take care of yourself first.   I know that you and I are not wired that way.   We don’t put ourself first and if we do, we feel guilty or like we are doing something wrong.  Think about this….  Men usually don’t have a problem, sitting down and relaxing.  I watch my hubby do it all the time.  He knows how to rest.  I usually cant’ sit and I am really really working on sitting still.  It’s not lazy to relax.  It’s not selfish to rest and tell other you need time to yourself.  

I know you have tried.  But when you have caregiving needs to take care of, you tell yourself, I have to do it.  There is no one else to do it.  My loved one needs me.  All valid points, but what if you can’t someday. What if you burn yourself out.  What if you get sick from pushing too hard.  

What I want to discuss more it that it’s NOT ok to give up on you.  You number 1 priority is YOU.  As women, we should be praising each other for taking the time for ourselves.  We should be bragging about the women who do things for themselves.  But society puts women down when they go out and enjoy time with a friend when their loved one is sick.   The judge you for asking for help.   Enough is enough ladies.   

A great caregiver is one who does less work and takes care of herself.  She loves her loved one enough to set healthy boundaries and gets the help she needs.  Your time and energy is precious and when you don’t run yourself ragged, you are no good to anyone.  

Now I know this the hard way.  I have said yes to everything and it’s caused me so many issues.  I’ve gain weight, I have digestive issues, Gerd, depression and anxiety.   I have self-confidence issues.  I lost friend and felt isolated.   But I am smiling today since I know how to reverse it.   I’m working each day to get back my energy.    You can too.  

Think about the time you were totally drained and exhausted.  What picture of you comes to mind?   What do you say or don’t you say?   How do you show up to your loved one?  What are your emotions like?  

Think about the times that you don’t want to be doing the caregiving.  Yes, I’m saying it.   You don’t want to be at that doctor’s office or running those errands or spending the day cleaning or cooking.  How then do you show up when you don’t want to be there?    

It’s important to understand why you feel this way.   It is a lot.  Plan and simple, a lot to do, a lot to emotionally handle and you had to put your passions to the back burner or reduce the time you want to be doing something you enjoy. 

I am speaking with you since I need this message as much as you do.   It is a constant work-in-progress.   

So let’s begin….  

What does good energy feel like to you? When you were at your best self with vibrant energy? 

What words come to mind.   

• Rested
• Happy
• Joy
• Love
• Ambitious
• Laughter
• Smiling
• Gratitude
• optimistic

What got you to feeling energized?   What actions did you take?  If I video taped you, what would you be doing?  

• Good sleep
• Relaxing (making in your favorite chair, on the patio with a cup of coffee, in your bed reading a book)
• Meditation
• Journaling
• Nature - walking outside
• Eating well
• Lunch with a friend
• Reading a good book 
• Dancing or listening to music
• Time away 

I want to read you a very good quote - it’s deep but it’s so true.  

From the author of Overlyxclusive

“Let me remind you:  Wherever your focus is directed, that’s where your energy goes. Whatever you allow in your space, you eventually become.”

If you are showing up each day as a caregiver, you should be proud of yourself.  You are providing this beautiful gift.  But if it is consuming every ounce of you - meaning your energy, your time, and most importantly every ounce of who you are, then it’s time to take a look at what you can do to redirect things.  You need me as your friend to tell you, that you can’t keep going without taking care of yourself.  You can’t keep going without energy and fun.   You deserve to be happy.  You deserve to wake up feeling vibrant.  You can’t change the situation, but you can change yourself.  You can take care of your loved one with the best possible care and love them, but you also have to take care of yourself with love and give yourself the best possible care.  

When I read The Positive Shift - Author Catherine A Sanderson, Phd, referenced Tigger and Eyore which is a perfect analogy. 

Are you showing up like Tigger or Eyore each day?  

Think about Tigger.  He is energized, positive, happy and a fun person to be around.    Is this you?   Now let me dig further.  Is this you internally right now?  You may put up a good front but deep inside are you Tigger?    

If you are doing it all, running and working for your loved one constantly, you can’t be Tigger.   Tigger, is well rested, He takes care of himself and knows that he needs to love himself first.  

Or are you Eyore?  You look at everything as a problem, issue or negatively.  You’re the one that looks at the glass half empty.  Eyore’s thoughts are cloudy days, sadness, worry, guilt and responds that way.   Eyore doesn’t have many friends because no one wants to be around him.  No matter how many people share happiness with him, he finds something to negative in a happy or positive experience.  

So look back at the last week, who were you?  How did you show up?   Did you put yourself first?  I’m going to repeat this again but also elaborate more on it.  

Why is it that women don’t put themselves first.   You may not like what I have to say but this is the truth and how I feel about it.   I am sick and tired of this image of a caregiver being the martyr.  The mother Teresa that give us everything and everyone to take care of their loved one.   You can love your parent, spouse, family member or friend to peaches but it should be at the cost of your health and happiness.  That’s just not right.   You are their caregiver which means that you manage their care and do what’s best for them.  Caregiving doesn’t mean do it all at all costs.  Caregiving doesn’t mean that you have to sacrifice your happiness and passions.  This old school thinking is not healthy for your loved one and you.    

I am sick and tired of people not respecting the caregiver’s healthy boundaries.   We should be praising her when she is taking a day off.   We don’t hold the same standards for that male family caregiver. - in my opinion.   

Getting out of this energy sucking feeling is hard.   Getting away from this people pleasing, perfectionist service mentality is extremely hard.  If you have been there for your loved one and has said yes and done everything, you just can’t flip the switch and say - it’s time for me to protect my energy.  

First and foremost, each of us are in different situations.  

If you were my coaching client, I would ask you on a scale of 1-10 (1 no energy, 10 being great)  How is your energy each day?    Are you fatigued?    We would do a complete assessment of you.   

Also, what does your own self-care look like?  I know self-care is such an overused word right now.  How are you taking care of yourself?  Rest, Exercise, Meals, Sleep, Enjoyment.    I have clients who don’t pee when they get up - so they can directly get their loved ones meds and breakfast. I know that’s extreme, but what are you not doing that is not healthy.     If we studied a healthy morning routine for a caregiver and an unhealthy morning routine for a caregiver, it would be shocking.     I know I was that unhealthy.  I was so closed minded to my morning routine when Denis was getting chemotherapy.   But when I really examined it and got some coaching, I saw options that increased my energy.  Overtime I found what worked during that session.  (IE:  getting up early, prepping before bed, switching to a spinach shake, prioritizing my time, etc)  

What does your night routine look like?   Are you up late at night trying to catch up?  Are you able to get a good night sleep or is your emotions keeping you up?  Are you take care of your loved one overnight and not getting sleep?  Are you working or doing tasks late into the morning?  

Are you taking time away?  (family, friend, your passions).   It is so necessary to get away and recharge.  Self-care isn’t just about morning, nights and daily routines.  It’s about quiet time away.  It’s filling your cup with fun time.  Again, we need to get beyond that guilt of what others think or you think.  It’s a need that you have to do to recharge and get your energy to sustain your busy life.  There are many saying like do less, enjoy more or quality or quantity.   But the concept is….  When you give yourself time to recharge and put yourself first, you will be more present and joyful.  

If you don’t take time for yourself - take baby steps and start one thing.   

• Walk
• Meditation
• Going to bed at 9
• Putting a stake in the ground and declaring one day that is yours (no work, no caregiving, just you time)

If you do self-care and are still not energized, you need to shake it up and try something new.  

• I used to go to the gym but it wasn't working for me.  It was more of a chore.  
• I created my own morning routine with walking, gardening and meditation

This will feel uncomfortable but you need to look at it as a need.  You need your gas to drive the care.  Your cell phone needs a charge to work.  

I am currently taking this business course.   Because I have been doing it all in my business.  Sound familiar.  There is a chapter asking me to reflect on my personal values and my personal time.  How much is my time worth.   

• I’m working like a technician vs the boss of my company
• I will never grow and be able to focus on quality service and give more service if I am doing everything - editing podcasts, sending out every email, etc.   It’s forcing me to think differently and get the help to give me time back.  I want to be a caregiver, a business owner, a mom, wife and gramma and if I am working on all of them all the time and not taking care of myself, I will burn out and not like myself. 
• So it’s asking me to track what you do in a day / week.   And then ask yourself what is an energy or time sucker.  Where is there opportunity to change it up or ask for help.  
• Also, what do you want to do and what do you NOT want to do?  

Which gets me to the next thought in our conversation here today?  

What does a caregiver life look like that’s filled with joy, spark, vibrant and sustainable?  What does that look like to you?  

What can you let go of?  Do you need to do it all?  Is there things that don’t need to be done right now?  I used to clean my own house every single.  Well I do bits and pieces throughout the week (ie:  if I’m making coffee, I might grab the rag and clean the outside the refrig when I’m waiting for it to get done.  If I’m out with the puppy, I will sweep the patio.  

I don’t have a veggie garden right now knowing that it takes too much time.  

I no longer cut the lawn which I am obsessed with it.   

I have my essentials delivered and on a autoship

My bills are all online and most are on autopay

When you put your time and energy as priority and you take a step back and look at what you are doing (without emotion) you can see where you are at.   Do you have to stand in line at the pharmacy?  Do you have to be at every doctor appt with your loved one?  Do you have to sort all the medicines?  Do you have to clean or cook all the meals?  Do you have to do all the nursing stuff?  Do you have to nurse at night?  

It may be time for you to change things up.  What would it feel like to be able to sit with your loved one and make a puzzle?  What would it feel like if you loved one napped and you were able to sit on the patio and read a good book vs cleaning and cooking?  

We need to start asking these hard things so we can start finding our energy.  We can start finding our best health, our best emotional state and our best caregiver self. 

I know this might not be something you want to hear.  But again friend, you deserve a life that you enjoy.   It may be hard right now and not be what you expected, but you can figure it out.   No more stereotyping a caregiver has no life.  No saying my life is over.  No saying, I can’t pursue my passions and goals.   

YOU can.  It may take some figuring out.  

I can help you - if you feel stuck.  I can help you if you want to talk through your situation.  I get it.   It’s hard to make changes especially when you don’t feel like you can.   You have it in you.  You can’t keep going and going.    Message me @cathylynnvan on IG or email me at [email protected]

You can show up for your loved one better when you show up for yourself first.  

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